October 10, 2024
On April 10, 2023, sepsis tried to kill me. However, I got the last laugh.
I survived my brush with death from sepsis and the grueling recovery process by keeping it light. In 2024 celebrities like Madonna and the Ashley Park from Emily in Paris (I won’t say popularized) but brought sepsis to the forefront of the public’s attention. Not to be petty… but I got sepsis first—and Madonna and Ashley Park are copycats. Get your own disease, right?! On the other hand, finally after 60 years of treading water on the social periphery, I am rolling with the rich and famous. Is this a pro of getting sepsis? Maybe. Sepsis Alliance defines sepsis as, “a life-threatening emergency that happens when your body’s response to an infection damages vital organs and, often, causes death”. In April 2023, I was whisked away by ambulance to the ER by three attractive, muscley EMTs and was diagnosed with sepsis, acute hypoxemic respiratory failure, and pneumonia. Apparently, two weeks earlier I had breathed in some rat-turd dust or something from under my shed and then fought for my life in the hospital for a week. I was discharged, breathing with an oxygen mask 24/7 and enduring the pain of five rib fractures (not much humor in that). They put me on high-dose prednisone for nine months (again, not too funny). I was bedridden for six weeks and went on catastrophic leave or partial leave from work for almost a year.
The following are a few pros of surviving sepsis–but mostly there are just disturbing cons. The first pro is that I had the revelation that sepsis is an OK way to pass to the other side. You get pneumonia (or some other infection). You grow stiller and stiller as your breathing slows. Your energy fades until your oxygen levels drop so low that you just lay there and drift off into a peaceful slumber… for, like, ever. Dying from sepsis is not for everyone, but it is now on my top five list of ways I prefer to go when it’s my time. The second pro is that after a cavalcade of medical professionals misdiagnose your symptoms and cause you to almost die, it remains on your permanent medical record. Doctors wince when they read about that misdiagnosis train-wreck and when you request any medical referrals or procedures, the answer is a resounding, “Yes”. A third pro is fat loss. I lost twenty-three pounds. Take that Ozempic! I could gain 1 million followers overnight on TikTok, if I pitched my new “almost-died” diet. Prednisone generally makes you gain weight, because it increases appetite. However, prednisone also floods your esophagus with gas that burns your airways. I was prescribed an anti-acid diet, so I would not cough and fracture more ribs. This strict, healthier diet caused me to lose that stubborn covid-related 23lbs.
I saved the fourth—and biggest— pro for last. Research shows that after we survive a life-threatening illness, we are more grateful and happier. It is true. I am living a more fulfilling life post-sepsis. I teach yoga, lead empathy circles, and teach playing with mindfulness, now. I connect with my loved ones more fully. I eat a healthier diet. As it turns out, crawling back from the precipice of death, honed my ability to put the things I love first. When it takes 45 minutes to drag your oxygen tank to your mailbox—which used to be a 4-minute trip—you learn to prioritize.
The first con of getting sepsis is extreme muscle loss. When I got sepsis at 61, I was completing a 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training Program and was in better shape than I was at 40. Because I was bedridden for six weeks, however, I emerged post-sepsis with the muscle tone of a 104-year-old—and not one of those inspiring types on social media who lifted weights for the last 50 years. I could only lift a 16-ounce bottle of water. A second con is the loss of bone density. When you are diagnosed with the three jewels in the triple crown of pneumonia, sepsis, and hypoxemic respiratory failure, you take prednisone. At first, prednisone saves your life. But… then it tries to kill you. Long-term (9 months), high-dose (60mg) prednisone sucks the calcium out of your bones. In March 2024, I broke my pinky toe just walking leisurely. My femur, tibia, metatarsals ambushed me with searing bone pain—due to either stress fractures or bone remodeling. Hopefully, annual Reclast infusions will help. A third con of sepsis is gastrointestinal damage due to prednisone. Steroids fried my upper digestive tract. For 18 months, I stood to eat and teach online, and I slept sitting up. When I ate, I coughed. The final con of sepsis is a biggy—adrenal deficiency. When you take high-dose prednisone, you have super-human energy, even if you speak at an Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks speed too fast for mere mortals to comprehend. When you stop taking prednisone, however, you experience adrenal fatigue. Rebounding from this can be a grueling mental, emotional, and physical marathon. I would wake up, accomplish one task, and go back to bed (Repeat three times a day for six to twelve months). On some days, I fluctuated between intrusive thoughts of, “I am so sad and depressed.” and “I can’t stand that random person or object.” DMR calls it “F19.94 Substance/Medication induced bipolar and related disorder.” (A rose by any other name). My MD says this can last 6-12 months after stopping high-dose prednisone. What can I say? Sepsis is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
In the end, sepsis did help me briefly have something in common with celebrities and made me feel more grateful for my life. Still, it has some horrible cons, some of which will likely negatively impact my health until I eventually die… hopefully of sepsis (insert nervous laugh here).
BIO: Dr. Felicia Darling is a precalculus and calculus lecturer at UC Berkeley and tenured faculty at Santa Rosa Junior College. She is the author of Empathy Unchained™: Heal Your Trauma, Uplift the World, the Empathy Unchained™ DEIA Conversation Deck, and Teachin’ It! She completed her Fulbright-winning ethnographic research when she completed a PhD at Stanford University. She writes, speaks, and researches about inclusion, active math learning, and trauma-informed education. At 62, she teaches math, teacher education, yoga, empathy circles, and meditation in Northern California.
