October 16, 2024

Create a Culture of Empathy and Belonging at Your Organization… one Circle at a Time

What are DEIA-focused Empathy Circles?

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Doing Diversity/Equity/Inclusion/Accessibility (DEIA) work is not simply telling people how to think about DEIA. It is co-creating a culture where every person feels like they are heard; they are included; and they belong. DEIA-focused Empathy Circles help us get better at reflective listening and understanding each other. During them, we create a culture of empathy and belonging. They are not support groups, but they make us feel supported. They are not work groups but they make us feel like we worked on ourselves. They help us feel heard, connected, and like we belong. We all take turns mindfully speaking and reflectively listening according to the structured dialogue protocol of Empathy Circles. I add my Empathy Unchained™ DEIA Card Deck to provide convo starters.

Some past convo starters we used are:

  • What is one core value that makes you interested in doing DEIAJB work?—or whatever is alive for you. 
  • What do you need at your org in order to feel psychologically safe or that you belong?
  • How can we implement more people-first language at our org?
  • What can be done to reduce cultural taxation?
  • Which identities (e.g., race, class, language, gender/sex expression/orientation, ability/disability, etc.) make you “powerful” in our society? Which identities make you “less powerful”?
    (All convo starters add the option to speak about “whatever is alive for you”.)

Quotes from past participants from all over the world:

  • I used to not hear what people said, because I was so busy thinking about my response. I learned to really hear from doing Empathy Circles.
  • It is such hard work to slow down and reflect back to people what they said. I have to use all of my body and brain power.
  • Using people-first language helps me put the “human” first and the “group” second. It softens the edges of my bias.
  • I did not even know what Cultural Taxation was before this Empathy Circle.
  • This is the first time I have felt completely heard [at work].
  • After what we have experienced in this Empathy Circle… We are all brothers and sisters now (smile).
  • I feel more included when there is diversity around me. It means that everyone’s ideas are different. Therefore, no one gets othered, because their perspective is an outlier.
  • I cannot believe how much I connected with everyone in this room—even though this was on zoom.

 Contact Dr. Felicia Darling to learn more. Also, you can become an Empathy Circle Facilitator for free or by donation at the Empathy Center and be part of the global empathy movement.

BIO: Dr. Felicia Darling is a precalculus and calculus lecturer at UC Berkeley and tenured faculty at Santa Rosa Junior College. She is the author of Empathy Unchained™: Heal Your Trauma, Uplift the World, the Empathy Unchained™ DEIA Conversation Deck, and Teachin’ It! She completed her Fulbright-winning ethnographic research when she completed a PhD at Stanford University. She writes, speaks, and researches about inclusion, active math learning, and trauma-informed education. She teaches math, teacher education, yoga, empathy circles, and meditation in Northern California.

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October 10, 2024

On April 10, 2023, sepsis tried to kill me. However, I got the last laugh.

I survived my brush with death from sepsis and the grueling recovery process by keeping it light. In 2024 celebrities like Madonna and the Ashley Park from Emily in Paris (I won’t say popularized) but brought sepsis to the forefront of the public’s attention. Not to be petty… but I got sepsis first—and Madonna and Ashley Park are copycats. Get your own disease, right?! On the other hand, finally after 60 years of treading water on the social periphery, I am rolling with the rich and famous. Is this a pro of getting sepsis? Maybe. Sepsis Alliance defines sepsis as, “a life-threatening emergency that happens when your body’s response to an infection damages vital organs and, often, causes death”. In April 2023, I was whisked away by ambulance to the ER by three attractive, muscley EMTs and was diagnosed with sepsis, acute hypoxemic respiratory failure, and pneumonia. Apparently, two weeks earlier I had breathed in some rat-turd dust or something from under my shed and then fought for my life in the hospital for a week. I was discharged, breathing with an oxygen mask 24/7 and enduring the pain of five rib fractures (not much humor in that). They put me on high-dose prednisone for nine months (again, not too funny). I was bedridden for six weeks and went on catastrophic leave or partial leave from work for almost a year.

The following are a few pros of surviving sepsis–but mostly there are just disturbing cons. The first pro is that I had the revelation that sepsis is an OK way to pass to the other side. You get pneumonia (or some other infection). You grow stiller and stiller as your breathing slows. Your energy fades until your oxygen levels drop so low that you just lay there and drift off into a peaceful slumber… for, like, ever. Dying from sepsis is not for everyone, but it is now on my top five list of ways I prefer to go when it’s my time. The second pro is that after a cavalcade of medical professionals misdiagnose your symptoms and cause you to almost die, it remains on your permanent medical record. Doctors wince when they read about that misdiagnosis train-wreck and when you request any medical referrals or procedures, the answer is a resounding, “Yes”. A third pro is fat loss. I lost twenty-three pounds. Take that Ozempic! I could gain 1 million followers overnight on TikTok, if I pitched my new “almost-died” diet. Prednisone generally makes you gain weight, because it increases appetite. However, prednisone also floods your esophagus with gas that burns your airways. I was prescribed an anti-acid diet, so I would not cough and fracture more ribs. This strict, healthier diet caused me to lose that stubborn covid-related 23lbs.

I saved the fourth—and biggest— pro for last. Research shows that after we survive a life-threatening illness, we are more grateful and happier. It is true. I am living a more fulfilling life post-sepsis. I teach yoga, lead empathy circles, and teach playing with mindfulness, now. I connect with my loved ones more fully. I eat a healthier diet. As it turns out, crawling back from the precipice of death, honed my ability to put the things I love first. When it takes 45 minutes to drag your oxygen tank to your mailbox—which used to be a 4-minute trip—you learn to prioritize.

The first con of getting sepsis is extreme muscle loss. When I got sepsis at 61, I was completing a 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training Program and was in better shape than I was at 40. Because I was bedridden for six weeks, however, I emerged post-sepsis with the muscle tone of a 104-year-old—and not one of those inspiring types on social media who lifted weights for the last 50 years. I could only lift a 16-ounce bottle of water. A second con is the loss of bone density. When you are diagnosed with the three jewels in the triple crown of pneumonia, sepsis, and hypoxemic respiratory failure, you take prednisone. At first, prednisone saves your life. But… then it tries to kill you. Long-term (9 months), high-dose (60mg) prednisone sucks the calcium out of your bones. In March 2024, I broke my pinky toe just walking leisurely. My femur, tibia, metatarsals ambushed me with searing bone pain—due to either stress fractures or bone remodeling. Hopefully, annual Reclast infusions will help. A third con of sepsis is gastrointestinal damage due to prednisone. Steroids fried my upper digestive tract. For 18 months, I stood to eat and teach online, and I slept sitting up. When I ate, I coughed. The final con of sepsis is a biggy—adrenal deficiency. When you take high-dose prednisone, you have super-human energy, even if you speak at an Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks speed too fast for mere mortals to comprehend. When you stop taking prednisone, however, you experience adrenal fatigue. Rebounding from this can be a grueling mental, emotional, and physical marathon. I would wake up, accomplish one task, and go back to bed (Repeat three times a day for six to twelve months). On some days, I fluctuated between intrusive thoughts of, “I am so sad and depressed.” and “I can’t stand that random person or object.” DMR calls it “F19.94 Substance/Medication induced bipolar and related disorder.” (A rose by any other name). My MD says this can last 6-12 months after stopping high-dose prednisone. What can I say? Sepsis is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

In the end, sepsis did help me briefly have something in common with celebrities and made me feel more grateful for my life. Still, it has some horrible cons, some of which will likely negatively impact my health until I eventually die… hopefully of sepsis (insert nervous laugh here).

 

BIO: Dr. Felicia Darling is a precalculus and calculus lecturer at UC Berkeley and tenured faculty at Santa Rosa Junior College. She is the author of Empathy Unchained™: Heal Your Trauma, Uplift the World, the Empathy Unchained™ DEIA Conversation Deck, and Teachin’ It! She completed her Fulbright-winning ethnographic research when she completed a PhD at Stanford University. She writes, speaks, and researches about inclusion, active math learning, and trauma-informed education. At 62, she teaches math, teacher education, yoga, empathy circles, and meditation in Northern California.

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August 13, 2024

Don’t Be Nice. Fight the Bullies. Bullying, Racism, Hate Groups Exist Because Nice People Enable Them.

Don’t Be Nice. Fight the Bullies. Bullying, Racism, Hate Groups Exist Because Nice People Enable Them.

Robert Reich, Chancellor’s Professor of Public Policy at the University of California Berkeley, published a video on August 4, 2024 on Twitter. (Yes, Twitter is still relevant). August 4th marked the 60th anniversary of when Michael Schwerner’s body was found 44 days after he was murdered by Mississippi ku klux klan members (capitalization omitted intentionally). Schwerner was registering Black citizens during Freedom Summer to vote in Mississippi with two others, who were also beaten, shot, murdered, and buried. Reich’s video incensed me. It stalked me, like an ax murderer in the woods, for several days.

The video begins, “As the shortest kid in school, I was the target of bullies, I befriended a kind teenager who looked out for me”. Robert Reich did not discover until he was in college, years after Schwerner’s death, that Michael Schwerner was the teenager who protected him when Reich was just 9. This discovery caused Reich to view bullying as bigger than just those kids tormenting him because he was short.

There are legal terms for being bullied, if you are in a protected class. They are discrimination or harassment on the basis of race, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, country of origin, disability, color, genetic information, or veteran status. However, even when acts do not rise to the level of the legal definition of harassment or discrimination, they are still bullying.

We need to recognize bullying in all its forms—and fight against it. Being polite, nice, apathetic, or in denial will not help. The reason is that in a culture that prioritizes niceness, the bully is king. When people are told about an act of bullying and they just seek peace for themselves, it gives the bully permission. Recently, I was harassed by a man at a community where I frequent. I thought, “I will make this more public, and he will stop”. He did not. When I told people about it, the first thing out of their mouths was, “But he is so nice,” thus negating my experience. At a nearby college, three women filed sexual harassment complaints against a Dean—and what do I hear from colleague’s mouths? “He is so nice.” Let’s all remember Ted Bundy. A lot of people thought he was nice too.

Many “nice” bullies get away with it, because they are good at navigating and exploiting politeness-oriented cultures. Also, many “nice” people do not want to know that injustice and bullying exists in their workplaces, communities, and country. In fact, Black racism exists because it works for many—and others just plain do not care. Many people engage in what I call, “I don’t care-ism.” Black racism does not affect them, so they don’t care about it. 

Here are four tips to stop bullying:

1) Don’t pretend bullying doesn’t exist around you just because it’s easier for you. It promotes bullying and gives bullies permission.

2) Don’t tell people who are suffering from bullying that the bully is nice. Just try to listen. Be present and empathetic.

3) Heal your own trauma around bullying. Maybe when you were young, you had to pretend your bully was nicer than they were in order to survive. You don’t have to do that anymore. You are an adult.

4) Explore your own implicit biases around race, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, country of origin, disability, color, genetic information, veteran status, body types, language, socioeconomic class, or incarcerated status.

Thanks,

Felicia

 

 

 

 

 

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February 2, 2023

Empathy Unchained Book and DEIA Conversation Deck coming in March

Pre-orders for the Empathy Unchained DEIA Conversation Deck and Empathy Unchained book available soon!

Don’t wait ‘til you’re perfect to change the world! Empathy Unchained: How imperfect beings can create a perfect world comes out in March. This is a self-help book that is not just about helping ourselves. It offers practical strategies and ideas to untether ourselves from our past hurts, dismantle systemic inequities, and follow our true norths in order to actualize our full potential to create a more humane world. The world is brimming with injustice, hate, conflict, despair, violence, greed, apathy, and other reactive beliefs and behaviors that do not serve the highest purpose of humankind. We create this world every day. Our thoughts legislate our behaviors, which ripple outward to influence others. We can be keepers of the status quo or we can be powerful agents of positive change.

In Empathy Unchained, I draw from my expertise as a researcher to document my own ten-year journey to resolve a backlog of 50 years of trauma—and also tell the stories of several everyday empathy heroes. While many self-help or spirituality books avoid mentioning race, poverty, or discrimination to avoid turning readers off, Empathy Unchained intentionally includes discussions about structural inequity and implicit bias in order to turn readers on. This is done both to amplify the voices of those who are under-heard and to help us become more empathetic toward those whose struggles are radically different than our own.

Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good and Director of Stanford Forgiveness Project, says about the book, “This book seeks to give the reader hope for having a better past, so they can live more fully in the present, as a more humane being. These life affirming goals are endlessly needed by human beings, generation after generation, and this book by Felicia Darling provides a roadmap now towards those ends. Felicia contributes the fruits of her work on her herself and her community. She shares her hard-earned wisdom with us in this helpful book. She shows herself to be an excellent guide to help us develop our unique path, to heal past hurts and grievances and become agents of positive change in the world.”

Start DEIA conversations to help your organization achieve goals around diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility. with the Empathy Unchained DEIA Conversation Deck.

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February 10, 2021

Yucatec Maya and Math Assets (Spanish Article and Presentation)

Mariana Barragán Torres (UCLA) and Felicia Darling (SRJC) partnered together to publish their article in Spanish in January, 2021. It is about Felicia’s ethnographic study that explored the cultural assets related to mathematics in a Yucatec Maya village and how the results can inform education policy in México. The article, Estrategias comunitarias de resolución de problemas matemáticos en una comunidad maya en Yucatán, is published in the peer-reviewed scientific journal by the Universidad Iberoamericana. Also, Mariana and Felicia were invited to present the paper in Spanish at an education policy conference run by the Universidad Iberoamericana on February 18 at 2:00pm (PT). To register for the 10-minute presentation, go here https://ibero.zoom.us/meeting/register/tJcqdeqvqDsqEtcalQeOlZSFPAcpWmST3Asb

 

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September 16, 2020

The Importance of Challenging Teacher’s Microaggressions

Larry Ferlazzo in Education Week asks me and others, “How should teachers respond when a colleague says or does something—knowingly or unknowingly—that is racist?”
The full article is here. My contribution is below:
 
Felicia Darling, Ph.D., says…
“Many of us who are not persons of color, who do not personally experience discrimination on a daily basis, have this tendency to think that racism occurs out there, away from us, in the media. We have this erroneous idea that racist acts are these dramatic or violent behaviors that are captured on video and posted on Instagram. However, racism is ubiquitous. It happens every day through small, almost invisible acts, in our classrooms, in our parent-teacher conferences, in our tenure-review meetings, and in our faculty meetings.
 
Also, racism does not just happen. We do it. In any given day, white colleagues interrupt colleagues of color during meetings; leaders take up the ideas of faculty of color less frequently than those of white faculty sitting at the table; teachers have lower expectations for students of color; students disproportionally use words like “aggressive” more frequently on teacher evaluations of Black women; and Black students are suspended more frequently than white students for the exact same behaviors.
We are the agents of racism. Therefore, the responsibility for disrupting systems of inequity falls directly on our shoulders. When a colleague says or does something racist, we have to speak up. While the specific thing we say or do does matter, what is most important is that we say or do something. If we do nothing, we are complicit in the racist act.
 
We cannot place the burden of speaking up onto people of color, either, given their precarious position in the existing power structure. White people are uniquely positioned to exert significant influence to disrupt the existing inequitable systems, and they must speak up. Here are some things that are better than doing nothing when encountering racist comments or acts among your colleagues. They are listed somewhat in order of increasing potency: Be loudly silent by frowning and glaring; tell the offending teacher privately that their speech or behavior is not OK and why; give the teacher anti-racist readings; publicly express your dismay about the comment or behavior in the moment or later; ask an administrator to provide a schoolwide training, submit a written complaint to your supervisor for repeated or egregious offenses; privately communicate empathy to those who might have been slighted by the remarks or acts; procure funding for a community of practice around equity to transform campus discourse and behavior; and solicit funding for ongoing equity education. Responding in more than one of the above ways is even more powerful.
 
The important thing to remember is that if we do nothing when someone acts in a racist manner, we are complicit in the act. Stopping racism is the responsibility of each and every one of us.”
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August 27, 2020

The Promise and Pitfalls of Eliminating Remedial Courses in Community Colleges

A new article that I wrote for NISOD ahead of my upcoming workshop series on how to facilitate inclusive, online instruction… “The Promise and Pitfalls of Eliminating Remedial Courses in Community Colleges,” Felicia Darling, Math Instructor at the Santa Rosa Junior College (CA), explores how colleges can reach and teach all incoming students. Here is the link  https://www.nisod.org/2020/08/24/nisod-papers-no-18/

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